Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
