walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
