wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
