youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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