I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
