I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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