I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
