YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
