I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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