Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
