I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
