Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
