I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize