Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
