I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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