Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
