If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
