Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
