I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
