Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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