My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
