at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
