Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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