it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize