when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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