Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Those nachos came to me in a dream
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
