Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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