My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
