You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize