Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I looked at my own cervix.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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