when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
