I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
