I'm lost and stupid without you.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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