Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
