I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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