My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
