My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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