I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
