i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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