i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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