no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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