the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
