In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
