Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Woke up backwards on a recliner
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
