I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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