How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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