Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
