Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
