My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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