Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
