She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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