my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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