barbara walters just said penis...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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