One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So here I am, sexting at work.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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