I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
