he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
