It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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