dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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