Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
