My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
