i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
