This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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